A Snail in Molasses

Why must you move so slowly?
Why do you drag your feet?
You said “I’m going out now,”
Then stayed right in your seat.

I find this quite frustrating.
Why won’t you just go out?
I get more done without you
Underfoot, you layabout.

I think I see the problem,
You cannot find your way.
So I’ve drawn this handy map for you.
Else you’ll be here all day.

Ode to a Terminal Defeatist

I was sorry to hear that you’re “dying”,
I thought you would go on for years.
Yet halo and wings you are buying,
And angels are soon to be peers.

Now off your mortal coil you will shuffle.
Your bucket will finally be kicked.
Your drum is about to be muffled.
Your bud is about to be nipped.

Do you happen to know when you’re going?
Only you really don’t look all that ill.
It’s just, before you get where you’re going,
Be sure, put my name in your Will...

Beware: Tree!

I thought I’d best post this as a warning to others:

Yesterday, whilst happily minding my own business, innocently sawing through the trunk of a nearby apple tree, I was attacked.

Without provocation, or the slightest warning, an apple tree fell on me...

If trees are starting to attack the hapless and innocent then everyone should be warned.
And, to that end, I call upon you now to go forth and:

• Write to your MP/MEP/MSP
• Leaflet shopping centres/malls
• Make public appeals on television
• Sellotape messages onto frogs
• Paint poems onto snails
• Trail banners from the legs of hawks
• Accost grannies in the supermarket whilst they’re ogling tins of peas
• Distribute pamphlets amongst lecterns across the country
  - be sure to write “The Lesson According to Cantus” across the top or else religious types might get suspicious
• Slip a coded message into the theme at the start of Inspector Morse episodes
  - you may find it useful to travel back to the mid 90s to achieve this one
• Tattoo the message with a rusty needle onto the faces of small children

Spread the word - let the people know.